It finally happened

I had a massive breakdown last night...sobbed, ranted, raved to my husband for two hours.

It all started because I saw a picture of my nephew. I haven't seen my nephew since August, and that is the reason my family and I had such a break. Honest to God, I don't give a rat's ass who has custody of him, my ex-brother in law, or my psychotic sister, as long as he is healthy, cared for, and happy. My ex-BIL has had custody of him since May because of some issues at my sister's former house. My family went apeshit on me when they found out I was talking to my ex-BIL so that I could keep in contact with my nephew.

He's eight...eight years old. And, his whole world got turned upside down in May when his dad got custody. He moved two hours away, acquired a step-mother, a step-brother, a step-sister, and a half-sister. And, he did what any kid does. He began acting out, and got something he hadn't had in his life: Discipline. And, he's been better off for it.

So, I haven't seen him since August. I haven't talked to him since August. And, last night, it just finally broke in me how much it hurts. That I haven't seen him. That I haven't talked to him. That my mother won't let go of her damned pride to make contact with my ex-BIL. So, I exploded last night to my husband with all of that and more.

For the last two weeks, I've been having horrible, awful nightmares. He leaves me and takes our daughter. Someone takes our daughter and he leaves me. My mother in law takes Samantha and tells me I never deserved her son or Sam. My father in law takes Samantha and tells me I never deserved his son or Sam. In the last one, my husband left, I went after him, he told me we were through and demanded my wedding ring and engagement ring. I gave them to him, and he never flinched. It broke my heart. I woke up, heart pounding out of my chest, sweat pouring, and tears burning my eyes. I ran to my daughter's room to make sure she was okay. And, I didn't tell my husband a thing.

I told him last night, laying across his lap, sobbing, as he played with my hair. It was one of the sweeter moments we've had in awhile. I poured everything out. I just broke. And, he had one of his extremely rare moments when he knew exactly what to say. He asked me for the numbers to contact my ex-BIL and told me that if nothing else, I'd get to talk to my nephew sometime this week.

I talked to him tonight. Turned out, there was a comedy of errors. My ex-BIL lost our home phone number. My cell phone number changed and I forgot to give him the new one. Our phone number and address are unlisted. He couldn't find us anyway. We hadn't called because we were afraid they wanted us to stay away. We talked for an hour. I talked to my nephew. He's safe...he's cared for...he's not entirely happy, but he's so much better where he is. We made arrangements to spend a weekend with him as soon as all our schedules agree.

When I got off the phone, my husband rubbed my arm and smiled. Then, he went to kill Al'ar and Void Reaver.

Life is sort of back to normal.

On the baby front, I had a bring you to your knees, make your hands shake, burst into hysterical tears moment today. I started bleeding. I freaked. My doctor told me to chill the hell out and that the stress from the last three weeks is good for no one and to find a way to lose some of it or she'd make me lose it. She used the "b" word: Bedrest.

I never had any of these issues with our daughter. I can't handle this roller coaster. I just need to get to next Friday, hear the heart beat and find out that everything's okay. Of course, my fear is that there is something horribly wrong with the baby. There will be birth defects. There will be life threatening issues. I've got to let go of all this.

Last night helped some. Pouring everything out to my husband was cathartic...now, a good night's sleep would be the icing on the cake because I slept terribly last night. No nightmares from me, but our daughter woke up at 2 am from a bad dream. Through the baby monitor, I heard "Mommy, Daddy, Mommy, Daddy, please!" She never, NEVER does that.

So, I'm exhausted...but at least I talked to my nephew.

Oh, and today's my sister in law's birthday. She got an iPhone. My husband is green with envy. Guess I know what to get him for Christmas.